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Dream a little Dream

I am sitting here on bed-rest for at least the next two months and wondering what to do with my time and then it hits me. It is time to practice what I preach and put my action plan into well, action. I work with so many people on goal setting, helping them turn their dreams into goals and then working towards those goals to live their dreams and I am thinking that maybe it is time for me to do the same. It is one of those things that I have always known I was working towards but have always put off for so many reasons but I guess I am no different than others and my biggest excuse is the fear of failure. Like I said, it is time to practice what I preach and I always preach that there is no failure there is only quitting – so I guess here I go.

It has been almost 11 years now since I woke up on death’s door, barely escaping with my life. Looking back there is no physical reason why I am still alive – I shouldn’t be but I am. So the question has always plagued me – why? Why did I survive a set of circumstances that I really shouldn’t have? Why was I spared – what was the purpose? the only answer I have ever been able to come up with and the one that I have worked with ever since is that I am an example. I am supposed to take my experiences, my pain, my story and share it openly and honestly always in order to spare even one person a second of what I have endured. If I can learn from my experiences maybe others can too and maybe in some way, it will help them, maybe they will avoid some of my mistakes, avoid some of the pitfalls and traps I fell into along my road of recovery. That is the only reason I have found for still being here today – that my job is now to be the best person I can be, to live my authentic life and to use my past to benefit other’s presents and futures. If you have a better reason, I would sure like to know.

Now I know many people will read that and scoff because I am far from the gentle, compassionate person that the above paragraph may seem like I am trying to be. Don’t get me wrong – I am not. I am not sympathetic to people’s problems in the least. Empathetic maybe but certainly not full of sympathy. I never will be the one to turn to if you want someone to pat your hand and console you without action, to let you vent without responsibility. Never. Now don’t assume that that means I am cold or not living up to what I just wrote above – I mean the exact opposite. I am doing for others what I wish someone had done for me. I am being the friend I wish I had, the voice of reason, the kick in the ass that no one ever gave me. You see, in order to survive and overcome tragedy, we don’t need sympathy. We don’t need someone to crawl down into the gutter with s, listening to us lament our circumstances, what we need – what I needed and never got was someone to reach out a hand and tell us that if we wanted out, we were going to have to stand up and work for it. man I wish there was someone like me in my life back then – the shit that could have been avoided!

So back to my dream – you know what it is? My dream is to do what I am doing now, only on a larger scale. My dream is to reach people who need to hear my stories, who need to hear the lessons I learned, who need a kick in the ass from someone who has been there and who understands. I want to be able to share my pain, my history, my survival skills with as many others as possible so that maybe someday, someone will avoid some of the pain I have felt. That is it – that is my dream. So in order to make my dream a reality, I need to set some attainable goals – you know what the difference between a goal and a dream is? A timeline – that’s it. And that is the one thing that has always been missing from my dream, a timeline to make it happen because I have always been afraid. Well the time for fear is over and the time for action is here!

So why would people listen to me? What would make them invite me to speak to their group meeting or to hold a life-skill workshop? Well, they first and foremost have to know why they may want to listen – what do I have to offer? What experience do I have that they can relate to that might help them overcome something similar? What lessons have I learned? This has always been my roadblock, my fear factor – getting my story out there, letting it all hang out. It is a scary scary thought – paralying actually. there has only been one person in this entire world other than my shrink that I have ever been 100% honest and forthcoming with – my husband and I am so grateful to him for still loving me, knowing what he knows. See, that’s the problem – what if you tell everything, what if you open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable to the point of nakedness – what will people do? What will they think or say? Well, there is no time like the present to find out I guess. The great news is that I am in a place where I am OK no matter what the result. I have the support of the one person who truly matters and who I know will always be brutally honest with me. How will others in my life take it – will they be embarrassed? Ashamed? Angry? I don’t know but honestly, I can’t control their reactions so I can’t let it stop me from doing what I need to do and all I can pray for is that they will understand and never stop seeing me for who I am instead of who I used to be.

You see, the reason I am saying this stuff is because the first step to reaching my goal and living my dream is to get my story out there and that is what I am in the process of doing – through an open and honest life-history in book form entitled, “Walking the Borderline – a journey of survival” – I will have this non-fiction account of my personal history available in early January – that is my time line. Where we go from there, we will have to see. Now that I have made the commitment I know I will follow it through no matter how painful it is to relive – I have to, it is time. This is my purpose and I hope and pray that it may bring peace and comfort to someone, somewhere…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 4th, 2011 at 4:38 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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